Colliding Worlds

There are so many different versions of “us,” sometimes manifested in a single hour. We can be hurriedly fumbling with our cell phones while waiting on the barista, then see an old friend outside and our gestures, even our voice changes. Minutes later we fight off our angry-self when a crazy guy swerves in our lane. Another version of us appears when we become the forgetful spouse that only had one errand to remember, but didn’t.

It always feels like a collision of worlds when my wimpy spoiled dry-heat body gets off the airplane into a world of wet-heat. Yesterday, here in Indiana, the temperature and the humidity agreed. Both were 90. They have some kind of ‘heat index’ classification I never understood. The TV weather kid said something about it “feels like” a hundred and something. No it doesn’t feel like that at all. I’ve played golf in Death Valley and Phoenix when the temperature was 108 and never sweat a drop. What 90-90 feels like is being trapped with your clothes on in a small closet with a heat lamp turned to high.

The heat’s worth it when I get to spend time with my children and life-long friends. Another high school reunion. We have one every five years and it seems like the last one was a few months ago. Sure is wonderful to see all my ornery old friends. We prove the old adage… only the good die young. Some of my classmates have changed so much they didn’t recognize me.
reunion4reunion3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to be a wimp to turn down a ticket to the NASCAR Indy race. The older I get more I notice fewer things are worth waiting in line for…or sweating for.

From Indiana I’m heading to Nashville for another week so I suppose I’ll get use to wearing wet shirts and feeling water trickling down my skin…everywhere.

My fun job in Nashville is to listen to a showcase of three dozen musical acts in one weekend. Hopefully I will come back to California with a list of excellent entertainers that our Bakersfield Community Concert group will enjoy in 2016 and 2017. I think our Concert Association is the greatest “deal” in the country. If you subscribe to our season of concerts you will enjoy Eight first class musical acts (country, jazz, pop, classical and in between) for the total price of Eighty Dollars.

So wish me luck in Nashville, I’ll try not to break any of their dumb Tennessee laws. In case you didn’t know, here are some of their laws still on the books:

1)  Participating in  a duel prohibits you from holding a public office.
2) Stealing a horse is punishable by hanging.
3) You can shoot game from a moving automobile, except whales.
4) Hollow logs may not be sold.
5) Crimes against Nature are prohibited.
6) More than eight women living together constitutes a brothel and is illegal.
7) It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
8) Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited by law.

HOWEVER.…it is still LEGAL to gather and consume roadkill.
At least I won’t starve while I’m visiting.

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VISIONS

I’m Seeing Terrible Things!

It all started with this damn book I’m working on night and day. I finished the third rewrite a week ago and it still needs some attention.

My problem is one of my characters has PTSD and tries to cover up his hallucinations and visions with drinking. He almost kills himself when he’s piloting his plane into a Santa Ana wind storm in the mountains and sees a horrible face in the clouds that is talking and yelling at him. I worked on that hallucination a long time and even had dreams about it.

The morning after my dream there was Jesus in my toast. I knew that was pretty common…at least I’ve read about it, so I ate Jesus and forgot about it.
faces in things 10

Then I had to take my car to the car wash because Fidel Castro was staring at me on the trunk. Weird.

I’ve begun noticing faces everywhere…garbage cans, appliances, buildings.
faces in things5Faces-in-Things2

I read an article yesterday that said neurotic people were the most likely people to see faces in things. I’m not sure I’m neurotic.
faces in things 4

faces in thingsfaces in things 7

I’ve been told other people see faces in these images. I don’t see anything. Maybe you’re neurotic?

faces in things9

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In the Garden of Eden, Honey

Yeah, that’s what I thought I posted the first time. BUT…the Evil side of me came out.

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In The Garden Of Eden Honey

Forty Seven Years ago today, July 20, the first heavy-metal song to ever hit the charts appeared at #117. It would top out at Number Thirty.

In my opinion the song was stolen from Cream, the psychedelic power trio of Eric Clapton, Jack Bruce and Ginger Baker. Their song, Sunshine of Your Love, was included on their 1967 album.

Rock music was going through one of its periodic changes in the late ‘60s. Heavy Metal music was taking over, but hadn’t reached the Billboard Charts until Iron Butterfly took the Cream riff, started it two beats later and went into the studio to record.

The producer for their LP was drunk and didn’t show up while the band was waiting to record. The recording engineer, Don Casale, told the band they needed to do a sound check while they waited for the producer to come through the door.

The band had this song (the copycat song) that Doug Ingle, singer, wanted to do. It had some places for guitar solos, organ solos and drum solos. So they took off playing and singing their new tune, In The Garden Of Eden.

The only problem was the singer was also drunk and high. He slurred the words. There is a boring silly guitar solo followed by a long weird drum solo that my kid could have copied when he was seven. Then the organ solo with the drums which consists of the organist basically playing different version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” The jam took seventeen minutes. They loved it. No producer showed up so they used the seventeen minute song as ONE SIDE of the album. Don Casale, the engineer, was also listed as the producer.

When they asked Doug Ingle what the name of the song was he said it just as he slurred it…In A Gadda Da Vida. That’s what they called it and the album.
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

When they re-released it in 1995, the liner notes stated that Doug Ingle had told their drummer, Ron Bushy the name of the song and Bush wrote down, in a gadda da vida. He showed it to Ingle. Ingle laughed and said, “Yeah man, that’s it.”

Whatever, in 1968 the seventeen minute tune was cut down to under three minutes, released as a single, and the rest is history.

In 2004, VH-1 named In a Gadda Da Vida as the 24th greatest heavy metal tune of all time. Really?

It’s kind of fun for your mouth to pretend you are really drunk and then lower your  voice in a growl and slur…”In A Garden of Eden.”

Yep, sounds like “in a gadda da vida.”

I bet you feel better about your week now that you know this shit.

Now for the few souls that just don’t feel like working at all today, here is the full seventeen minutes. I bet half of you give up before the horrible drum solo is over.

https://youtu.be/UIVe-rZBcm4?list=FLq2LDx4SWVMIMcyomN5q-_Q

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St. John’s Water Dogs

When I hear people calling and talking to their dogs, the names I hear are amazing. I’m sure each owner has their reasons and stories behind the names they bestowed. But what about the actual breed name? Where did that come from?

Thanks to the friendly staff at Mental Floss I have uncovered the historical stories of some popular dog breed names.

Labrador Retriever
Labs

Strangely they originally came from Newfoundland. Fisherman perfected this wonderful breed they called the St. John’s water dog. These dogs were great swimmers that hit the water and hauled back the fishing nets to shore. Sometime in the early 19th century the Earl of Malmesbry discovered these dogs and brought them to his English estate and trained them to retrieve ducks he hunted. He referred to them as his Labrador dogs, even though he obtained them in Newfoundland. The name stuck.

 

Poodle

Poodle
These are the original “water dogs.” They were not the fancy proud dog we think of today, but a great swimming retriever of waterfowl. The German word “pudeln” means “to splash.” They became know there as “pudelhunds” or “water dogs.” We eventually evolved the word to Poodle.

 

Beagle

Dog on green meadow. Beagle puppy walking

American Kennel Club traces the name back to the 16 century. These little hounds were associated with the French word “becquele” meaning “noisy person.” I’m sure they were called that from the constant howling during hunts.

 

Lhasa Apso
Lhasa Apso
This dog with the strangest name
has the simplest breed name origin. This dog was bred to be a watchdog in Tibetan palaces and monasteries. Bred in the Tibetan capital of Lhasa, they added the Tibetan word for “bearded” which is Apso.

 

Jack Russel Terrier
Jack Russel

The human Jack Russel was from Dartmouth England, born in 1795. He was a hunter. While studying to become a clergyman he met a milkman who had a white terrier bitch named Trump. Thinking the little dog would make a great fox hound, he convinced the mailman to sell him the dog. Russell began breeding Trump and made a line of terriers that had great stamina and could hunt foxes all day. They also had courage and would dart into holes after game that slipped away.

Jack Russel also bred a separate breed, similar to the Jack Russel Terrier, but with longer legs. It is recognized as a separate breed and called the Parson Russel Terrier.
I guess old Jack graduated from clergyman school.

 

Dachshund
Daschshund

In the early 17th century this was a ferocious little breed, created to dig its way into a badger’s hole and do battle. A badger is also ferocious.  In German, “dachshund” means “badger dog.” So stop with the wiener dog jokes.

 

Cocker Spaniel
Cocker Spaniel

This great family dog goes way, way back to the 14th century. Believe it or not, they were bred as a gun dog. They were skilled in tracking woodcocks. Yes, that’s where they got the name “cockers.”

 

Weimaraner
Weimaraner

When I was a kid our next door neighbor had a Weimaraner. It scared me all the time. They have crazy eyes. Now decades later, my next door neighbor has two Weimaraners.  When I gently ask them to leave my yard they look at me like I’m on borrowed time. But, they are beautiful animals.
They are a recent breed of the 19th century. Supposedly Grand Duke Karl August of Weimar started selectively breeding hunting dogs with speed, courage and strong noses. He wanted them for wolves or wildcats.  The Duke’s fellow Weimar noblemen loved the breed and they also became popular bird dogs as well.

I saw a strange breed of dog last week. It was a Bulldog and Shitzu mix.

I guess it’s called Bullshit.

See ya next week!

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You Missed the BEST ONE, Guy

So did I.

Anyone who looks at me probably thinks…that guy knows a lot about food…and food knows a lot about him.

Sort of an older Guy Fieri, if you will.

The only difference between Guy and me is twenty seven years and twenty five million bucks. If he keeps packing the diner food away like he does he’ll pass me up in five years. (Weight not Bucks)

Guy did eight Bakersfield stops on his Diners, Drive-ins and Dives show in the last few months. Right before he opened his own restaurant here…Johnny Garlics.

I have no qualms with the eight Bako places…they are all my favs.

I have plenty of favs up in the wine country, Napa Valley and Sonoma Valley. But Guy and I both missed the “best of the best” diners in California. I finally discovered it last week…twice.

Welcome to the Fremont Diner.
Fremont Diner 1
The Fremont sits at the crossroads of Napa and Sonoma. Every morsel of food is made in house except the bread. It’s a breakfast and lunch stop that features organic fruits and vegetables, backyard eggs, free range chicken, grass fed beef…in other words the chef/owner, Chad Harris, takes healthy stuff and makes it taste unbelievably good, southern style.

When I first saw it I thought it was an abandoned Tastee-Freeze from my childhood.

Amy Fremont Diner

Inside there are just 25 seats with dozens of antique items like wooden Coke boxes, vintage pie cabinets and lots of rusted stuff.

4/24/2011: T6: PC: Chad Harris opened the Fremont Diner in Sonoma for breakfast and lunch so he could be home to pick up his kids from school.Fremont Diner 7

Outside there are over a dozen long picnic tables that can seat another ninety folks.Fremont Diner 4

On my first visit I had the finest smoked brisket and sausage sandwich I ever tasted. It was my second choice. I was able to taste my first choice on my second visit. The menu calls it “Nashville Style Spicy Chicken”…’so hot it will set a cheatin’ man straight.’  Of course I had it with waffles.
Fremont-Diner-6

Other fantastic menu items:

Fresh oysters from nearby Drake Bay make up his “po-boy sandwich.
Fried green tomato sandwich with house-smoked bacon, lettuce and seasoned mayo on sourdough bread
A Zante grape salad with greens, bacon, toasted walnuts and blue cheese.
Stone-ground grits w/shrimp-sausage gravy, bacon, green onions.
House cured Pastrami on rye w/zucchini chow chow, vella asiago and remoulade served w/dill pickle potato salad.

One year ago, almost to the day, I was having fried chicken and other tasties in Savannah, Georgia at Paula Deen’s restaurant. I wish she could taste how great cooking with fresh ingredients without the butter and lard can taste. If you’re reading this Paula, it’s my treat.
Meet you at the Fremont Diner, Paula,  but don’t let their pickup truck come get you.

The driver is a little reckless.Fremont Truck Driver

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Because All Content Needs To Go Viral

I try to stay out of the Facebook quagmire, but there are those days when I stumble into the quicksand. The surgeries, cat photos, political rants, and dozens of time-suck video feeds flip by in sequence with the hour-hand on the clock.
sleepy writer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then I see a familiar shared video and smile. Someone has shared a “click-bait” video that was started by “ClickHole.” My kind of irreverent crap. I love ClickHole.

This site was started a year ago by many of the “Onion” writers (http://www.theonion.com/)
…again…my kind of irreverent crap. At first it was just a parody of “BuzzFeed.” Now, according to web measuring tools, they are getting between ten and fifteen million page views per month.

The real breakthrough for ClickHole came last November with their masterpiece article that had seven million viewers (that’s called going viral). You may remember this one:
“’90s Kids Rejoice! The Spider Eggs They Used to Fill Beanie Babies Finally Hatching.” (http://www.clickhole.com/article/90s-kids-rejoice-spider-eggs-they-used-fill-beanie-1209

Sometimes you may see a “quiz” on Facebook. I like one which asks you to take the quiz: “So You Think You Know the American Revolution.” Here is a typical question in the Revolution quiz:

Who said “Give me liberty or give me death”?

1) Alexander Hamilton said “Give me liberty,” John Adams said “or,” and then James Madison said “give me death.”

2) Benjamin Franklin’s wise prostitute.

3) All of the Founding Fathers said it in unison, and the sound was so loud that it cracked the Liberty Bell.

4) Thomas Jefferson’s slaves said this to Thomas Jefferson every night until he finally killed them.

And yes there are many more questions just like the one above.

Another great article was:

Are you a Five-Card Stud or a Low-Stakes Larry? Find out by taking this quiz!

Check all that apply:

All of your clothes are tailored from poker table felt.

When you blow on the dice for luck, you try to get as much of your luck spit on them as possible.

You get a royalty check anytime anyone says “This is my kinda town” within the municipal boundary of Las Vegas.

You can list all the numbers of the playing cards. In order.

You’ve donated thousands of blue chips to humanitarian efforts in Bangladesh.

When you see people playing penny slots, you casually mention aloud how in a just world, they would all be shot to death.

You always say “Thank you” whenever the dealer gives you a new card.

The hotel concierge at the MGM is your AA sponsor.

The last time you had to pay for a cocktail at a casino, Benjamin Harrison was in the White House.

You hate low stakes more than anything, including the Rwandan genocide.

You can say “big money!” in three different languages.

Pitbull follows you around even when you ask him not to.

You were an extra in the movie Snake Eyes.

Your mailing address is just “Vegas, Baby.”

You’ve revived Kesha from certain death at least once.

You only bathe in the Bellagio fountains.

As an extra in Snake Eyes, you met director Brian De Palma.

When you call American Express on the phone, they wish you a happy birthday even if it’s not your birthday.

Your nephew thinks you’re hot shit.

The mayor of Las Vegas named one of her pet snakes after you.

When you see an empty chair at the craps table, you sit down without even asking “Is this seat taken?”

You have submitted over 75 short stories about Texas Hold ’Em to The New Yorkerunder the pen name Lady Luck, and all of them have been published.

You can tell the difference between a coniferous forest and a big pile o’ cash.

You were forcibly removed from the Snake Eyes set after you constantly ran up to the camera and said the line “I gamble with the best of ’em” even though you were just an extra.

You’ve lost track of how many of your marriages that you’ve tanked.

You’re close with the tiger that mauled Roy.

ARE YOU A HIGH ROLLER?

Of course you will click on the answer and here is what they tell you.

You Are A Pathetically Low Roller
Sickeningly, you are not beholden to your whims or compulsions. You can walk right by a roulette wheel and not so much as tip your hat and say “Good evening, Lady Luck” to it. You drive one of four kinds of Volvo.

If you want to have much more fun than BuzzFeed can give you I recommend you click on ClickHole and join me. Their mantra is :  “Because All Content Needs To Go Viral”

http://www.clickhole.com/

 

 

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