Being Happy (part two of four)

I asked a lot of questions about Happiness on Monday in my post entitled:  HAPPINESS

I ended by saying that maybe giving up things, instead of obtaining things could produce happiness. Recently I saw a list of 15 things one should strive to give up and it will make our lives much happier. Some of these are very tough to give up (for me, anyway).

Today I will talk about five of these things, Friday five more and then next Monday the final five which are my hardest things to give up for a happier life.

1)           Give up the Past man-looking-in-mirror
I constantly hear folks talk about the “good old days” and how things were simpler, etc., etc. Funny isn’t it, that you didn’t pay much attention to it when it was the present. The past is cosmic dust and only exists as a deluded memory. Be here and now in everything you do and enjoy the present. It doesn’t hurt to look forward with plans but stay present on our journey. That’s what life is about…our journey.

2)Give up complaininggrumpy old man
I know, I know, the political crap, the corporate greed, the wall street crooks, the climate change, your neighbors, your mother-in-law, whatever, seems to make you feel sad or mad and you complain about it. It is never the thing that should be allowed to upset you. We always choose (important word) the emotion we emit. Choose to think positive.

3)Give up Labelinglabeling
If we think somebody or something is weird or different, the ignorant response is to slap a label on someone or something. Notice when you say or think your “label” it isn’t happy feelings flowing through your heart. An open mind is a free-flowing working mind. And a happy one.

4) Give up FearingFear
I don’t need to quote FDR to tell the truth about fear. Fear is one big giant illusion. Some news networks make billions spreading fear. Fear only exists inside our minds. Stop that stuff on the inside and the outside does just fine.

5) Give up the Self-loathingSelf Loathing
You know those talks you have with yourself? What a fat loser you are. What a dummy. What a procrastinator. Give them up. Some of the worst mind damage is caused from negativity. It pollutes your brain with horrible messages. It is self-defeating. The next time you catch yourself talking negative to yourself…smile and hear how awful you’re being to cute little old you.

These five things we need to give up are just the start. We’ll work a few days on thinking about doing these five changes and five more will be coming up on Friday.
Have a wonderful day!

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HAPPINESS

Such a word. Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone should be happy. Everyone can be happy. Some say they are, were, will be, hope to be. Some blame others for bringing it and then taking it away. But is it really that elusive? Don’t you just follow certain rules and its automatic? Rules for happiness? Does it require other people—children—money—career–status?  Does it require actual tough mental-work to be happy? Can the brain command what the mind pretends? Is happiness joy? Amusement? Euphoria? Satisfaction? Triumph? Gratification?EuphoriaHappiness is not a constitutional right, just pursuing happiness. Where do you pursue it? Bars? Churches? Careers? Families? Online?

couple having drinks

people_in_church

Abraham Maslow depicted the levels of human needs with his “hierarchy” pyramid. Beyond the highest level of self-actualization, Maslow envisioned moments of peak experiences of love, understanding or rapture…all resulting in happiness which makes a person feel more alive, self-sufficient and yet a part of the world.

maslow hierarchy of needsHappiness is definitely a fuzzy word. Maybe each of us interprets our own feelings and determines if that’s happiness for us. Some folks believe true happiness can only come from dying and going to heaven. Heaven’s an even fuzzier word. I don’t know anyone who went there and reported back about it…yet. I just want to talk about what we know. Are you happy? Do you stay happy all the time?

According to Psychologist Martin Seligman, humans seem happiest (Notice how he makes happy have degrees) when they have the following five things. The acronym PERMA can be used to remember them.

1)           Pleasure…derived from warm baths, tasty foods, etc (I like the et cetera)

2)           Engagement…to be involved in a challenging activity, career, etc.

3)           Relationships…social ties are one of the most reliable indicators of happiness

4)           Meaning…a perceived quest or belonging to something bigger than yourself

5)           Accomplishments…having realized personal goals

I think I can buy into what this shrink is telling us. I’m the happiest guy I know and after studying each of his “PERMA” criteria I know they are important. I just don’t think they guarantee to bring about happiness.

Not only Psychologists, but Biologists, Clergy, Therapists and Philosophers have all weighed in on the correct paths or paths to happiness.

From my perspective a person has a better chance of being and staying happy not by HAVING things but by GIVING UP things.

Think about that concept. It’s a heady topic and too long for this post.

Wednesday I would like to get into “happiness” and how giving up things brings us to peak happiness.

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Today is a Most Important Flag Day

I used to hang a flag out on the porch on Flag Day. Dad would remind me to bring it and fold it properly before sundown. After all I was a cub-scout and knew the proper flag fold.
flag-foldedWhen I was raising my children I once again hung a flag out. Then Vietnam raised its ugly head and I wasn’t proud of the flag and what it stood for. I marched in protest against what we were doing to our young men and innocent men, women and children in a distant sovereign nation. Most of all I couldn’t believe we, the United States of America, would use a deadly poison like Agent Orange, which the United Nations stated was against the Geneva Protocol, and maim, kill, and infect millions of innocent victims. The Red Cross estimates that over 3 million Vietnamese people have been affected by Agent Orange including over 150,000 children born with birth defects. Agent Orange, TCCD, has been described as “the most toxic molecule ever synthesized by man.” But our chemical warfare didn’t just harm Vietnamese. Our American soldiers were assured that this chemical was NOT hazardous (a huge lie at the time because Monsanto and Dow, the makers, had already informed the government back in the ‘50s how deadly toxic this crap was). Yet, tens of thousands of American troops were exposed and over time have had increased cancer, birth defects in their children and years of agony with no compensation from our government.  We sprayed twenty million gallons of that deadly poison on over 6700 missions for almost ten years. In 1991 our government admitted there could be a connection to some diabetes cases plus the huge onslaught of strange large cancerous tumors that formed in kidneys and lungs and would metastasize slowly over 30 to 40 years. So far there have been well over 40,000 claims filed but it is next to impossible to prove that the cancerous tumors were a direct cause of Agent Orange. Less than a thousand claims have been allowed.

Bakersfield National Cemetary

  BAKERSFIELD NATIONAL CEMETERY

Today is FLAG DAY. As you read this I am eulogizing my brother-in-law, an American Bronze Star winner and a victim of Agent Orange. He is being laid-to-rest at the beautiful Veterans National Cemetery here in Bakersfield.
The doctors at UCLA Medical Center, when viewing the pictures of Gary’s kidney tumors, shook their heads like viewing old family pictures. They had seen them before in other Agent Orange victims.

Other friends of mine have had similar situations. Before I left Indiana to fly home for today’s funeral, a friend told me his sister spent four years pounding on Veteran’s Administration doors for insurance claims she deserved. After four years she has just been approved for a claim for her husband’s death due to Agent Orange.

It’s my opinion if we’re going to be the World Leader in the most carnage ever caused by Chemical Weapons, we should take responsibility for the damage. It seems we would rather spend another trillion invading another sovereign nation we claimed had Weapons of Mass Destruction…but didn’t.

Rest in Peace my brother-in-law. You were a fine man, loved by so many and will be remembered by us all, even if your government could care less.

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Five Senses Reboot

First of all, different sections of our wonderful country are culturally different. If one lives in a particular geographic section, the foods, the words, the sights are peculiar to that region. However they are certainly not peculiar to the persons living there. When one moves away, they become like icons or “Have to’s” when revisiting. Some things are missed and some things are worth shaking your head over when revisited. My intended visit was for a month but a family emergency cut the visit to 16 days. Still, I tasted, touched, heard, felt and saw familiar things that are not a part of my life now. Now, it’s back to more familiar things again.

A temporary guide to re-programming my five senses until my next visit to Indiana

See no more

Rusted bodies on cars and trucks, Marathon gas stations, Kroger grocery stores, very narrow streets, the Wabash River

Kroger

Feel no more

Hugs from mom, kids and grandkids, Humidity (phew)

Video and Film

Hear no more

These words: Crik (back to creek), pop (you know, coke, 7-Up, Dr. Pepper) water fountain (back to drinking fountain) Carmel (back to car-a-mel), asterik to asterisk, groshury store to grocery store

Smell no more

Stinky corn syrup plant aromas when the wind’s from the east

Taste no more

Breaded Tenderloins, Hoosier deep-fried catfish (believe me it’s different and better than most), O’Rears Fried Nut Rolls, Mom’s chicken salad (ummh)

breaded tenderloin

CONFESSION:  The first meal I had when I arrived home (California) was carryout-Mexican food from an authentic Mexican restaurant. Most of my friends back in the mid-west think that cheesy gringo-mex stuff is real Mexican food. I beg them to visit and we’ll do a Mexican “real food” tour. Of course that will come after the Basque tastes, followed by the Peruvian food, followed by the Vietnamese food, etc, etc…..

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FLY DELTA!

WARNING:  The following words are an unpaid commercial for Delta Airlines. I recommend them highly.

I’ll explain:

A few months ago, I spent quite a bit of time meandering through the “deals” from Kayak. If you haven’t heard of them, Google “Kayak.”  I needed to book my flight for an extended Indiana visit, book another flight a few weeks later for my wife to join me and then book us together back to California. No big deal. I’ve done it many times before. This year flights are more expensive and seating is tighter. A large percentage of flights have been cancelled and airlines are filling every seat on every flight to make profits. So, getting good deals is harder, and when you get those “good deals” it’s usually a non-changeable, non- cancellable, tough-shit-buster, type of deal. And of course, silly me would never buy flight insurance….what could happen?

Well it did happen… so I needed to return to California early and my wife had to skip her flight entirely. As soon as I got the sorry news about the death in our family I got on the phone to Delta to see what I needed to do. Do you remember the “Lily Tomlin Phone Operator?”  Yeah, I got her. She proceeded to tell me I would have to pay the difference between my original price (cheap) and the present cost of a ticket.  As far as my wife’s ticket…too bad. Yuk! I was spitting nails and yet figured it was my turn to pay the piper because I had been working around the edges of ticket pricing for years. I certainly wasn’t going to write anything nice about Delta airlines today.

Nothing could be finalized until I called back when the funeral arrangements had been made so the airlines could check up on me to see if I was fibbing. Today I called Delta with the arrangements and told this nice lady the whole story.

This time, the Lily Tomlin character was not on the other end. My own Delta angel was though. What a sweetheart! She told me three different times during our conversation how sorry she was for my loss and she would be happy to do whatever it takes to get me back to California whenever I wanted to go. She would waive all charges, except a $10 re-booking fee (big deal) and put me on a non-stop (my regular ticket was a 2-hour layover in Minneapolis) and as far as my wife’s ticket, she would give us a year to re-use that one.

Delta went overboard to service my family and I certainly won’t forget them. I hope you don’t either. Fly Delta!Delta Airlines

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Mumbled Jumbled Humbled

I’ve been trying to write something—anything– off and on for two days. How my brain has finally allowed me to sleep through the noise of cars and Harleys on the street (spoiled back home). How the house across the street has a weird “H” frame on both sides of the two street facing windows…and the right window “H” frame is so crooked that the “H” almost forms a “teepee”…wouldn’t you notice that when your nailing it up six or seven inches crooked? About my incredible mom dealing with 98 years of most things in her body not working or hurting and she still makes everyone around her, including her doctors, roar with laughter. Most of these ideas cross my mind like someone mumbling unclearly.

The truth is my brain has been jumbled and my heart has been sad…a pain has been building for a few days and a few minutes ago, I had the dreaded call from my wife. Her sister’s husband, our brother-in-law, has passed away. It was all so sudden and unexpected. We knew the dreaded “Big C” was nibbling away but no idea it would suddenly, angrily, explode and snap its dreaded finger and say, “NOW.”

Gary was a cool guy and a great brother in law. He worshipped his wife. I wish I could have known him longer than the 11 years I did. I had often fantasized about getting him and my brother to share some guitar licks and some country lyrics.  It never happened. My brother hates to fly and I visit him in Indiana instead of him getting out of the snow and ice and visiting me.

Death is a humbling event. I just went to a funeral two weeks ago and the preacher shouted out that “death is a curse but the afterlife is the blessing that soon comes.” Sorry, preacher but I completely disagree with your logic. Death is not a curse. It is the reason we live. Can you imagine how little we would accomplish if we never had to face impending death? Death makes living more valuable and we have to except it is the fate for each of us…it gets closer every day.

Gary loved country music, George Jones and Willy Nelson. That’s why I thought he’d love strumming with my brother. My brother sounds like a George Jones/Willy Nelson clone. As a tribute to Gary, I want to play a song from my brother that I know Gary would have requested for his beautiful wife, Jeanine. This is my brother sitting in front of his little two-track recorder with a drum machine and guitar. He harmonizes with himself and picks real pretty. Please give a listen:


http://snd.sc/11IljDh

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Hiding behind History

I spent my first 38 years of life in one of the older neighborhoods in this Northwest Indiana town of Lafayette, which I’m now re-visiting again. In our pre-teen days we lived on our bikes, dreaming of that magical driver’s license in a few years and then “true freedom.” We built a bicycle race track in a huge open field. We cleared all the weeds and made our racing oval in a natural banked area that would have made Tony Stewart proud. Our track turned into a shopping center, Market Square, that was a shopping jewel for a few decades and now struggles to attract tenants, and maybe someday kids will turn it back into a bicycle racetrack. I don’t think that’s the true meaning of the circle of life, but it sounds good.

When we did finally attain our driver’s licenses, the new shopping center was finished and we used our parents’ cars to do doughnuts and figure eights when the asphalt lot was covered with snow and ice.

But I digress; I am heading to a history lesson here.

One of the bicycle games we loved to play was “ditch’em.” We would form opposing teams with four or five on each team and basically play hide and seek on our bikes. We formed a boundary naturally created by main artery streets and we couldn’t cross those streets. Every street and alley was in play with the only rule being not to get off your bike or go inside of a garage or building. When a “seeker” found a “hider” the hider had to go back to the starting spot and sit and wait. We usually had a time-limit of an hour or so. The hiders has 10 minutes to “get hid.” The north/south boundary was about a mile and the east/west boundary was a little more than a mile.

One of my favorite hiding places was Greenbush Cemetery, a spooky old place with huge monuments that allowed a bike and rider to sneak behind. It only had a walk-in gate, no drive through, so a bike could fit through the gate and I would pick out a large tree or memorial stone to hide behind. I only used that place a few times because that would be the first place they started looking and I also felt creepy hiding in a cemetery.

Today, I walked through the cemetery after reading up on the unbelievable history of some of the permanent occupants. During the Civil War there was a train wreck that killed 30 Union soldiers. There were 22 unclaimed bodies. About the same time, a few dozen Confederate prisoners had died from their wounds and 28 unclaimed Confederate soldiers are buried next to the 22 Union soldiers and a monument stands in their honor.

train wreck monument

Near these grave markers stands an eight foot tall monument to a local Civil War hero. It stands near a couple large trees and I’m sure this was one of the hiding places I used almost 60 years ago.James H. Tullis

This hero, James Tullis, was a local boy who was working for the County Clerk’s office when he decided to visit his brother in Oscaloosa, Iowa. While he was there, the Civil War broke out and James volunteered for the Iowa 3rd Infantry Division. The men of Company H elected him First Lieutenant. He was wounded in the left leg at Blue Mills, Miss. He was wounded in the left arm and promoted to Captain for gallantry at Shiloh. He was wounded in the right leg and promoted to Lt. Colonel at Vicksburg, Miss. He was wounded in the right leg again and promoted to full- Colonel at Jackson Miss. He was wounded in the right hip at the Red River Expedition.

Colonel Tullis came home here to Lafayette and became a legendary fiery journalist and his obit, in 1887, stated he was “one of the best known citizens of Lafayette.”

For those of us who had never heard of James Tullis, we thank you for your bravery, for being wounded, wounded, wounded, wounded and wounded again and still continue to fight for your country.

And Mr. Tullis, thank you for providing a winning hiding place for me sixty seven years after your memorial was erected.

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