Flowers For Sex

I think that’s what the slinky Adriana Lima was telling me in the Teleflora ad during the Super Bowl. She said, “Guys, Valentine’s day is not that complicated.  Give so you will receive.”  The words then appeared on the screen, “Happy Valentine’s NIGHT.”

So, I hope everyone is happy(and satisfied) this morning after St. Blackmail’s day is over.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to having a special day for lovers.  A special day that we can show our love for our be-loved with special cards, gifts, dinners, candy or flowers; or all of the above. I would vote for making Lovers Day a National Holiday. But, I’m insulted when the “union” of florists spreads the word that we men will receive sexual favors for our giving.  Beware to the non-givers, no nookie tonight.  Men in Nevada can have that special day every day for the price of a dozen roses….such a deal!

When I was a kid in Catholic grade school, it was always called St. Valentine’s day.  We were fed a bunch of horse malarkey how St. Valentine was a martyred priest or bishop that helped persecuted Christians marry.  He was beaten to a pulp, but wouldn’t die, so they beheaded him.  Valentine was one of several made-up stories that were just plain BS.  In 1969, the Catholic Church toned down a lot of these phony saints’ stories and removed hundreds of them from the “official” General Calendar of saints. There must have been tens of millions of St. Christopher medals, statues and bobble-head dolls on dashboards because he was supposedly the patron saint of travelers.
Again, these were just made-up stories of people who never existed.  I always thought the dashboard-mounted St. Christopher was an Emmy for running over Baptists.

It seems Valentine was a very popular name in ancient Rome.  At one time there were 14 martyred saints named Valentine.  Most of the phony saints’ stories were made up in the 14th and 15th century.  The actual feast of St. Valentine was established in the year 496 by Pope Gelasius I who stated Valentine’s “name will be justly reverenced by man, but whose “acts” are only known to God.”  This period was at the beginning of the so-called Dark Ages.  Books, libraries and written history were destroyed and people were kept ignorant.  Depending on whose re-written version of the Dark to Middle Ages you believe, we had from 600 to 1000 years of little written history. Then the Church/Government started re-writing their fairy tales. In 1493 another Pope decided to make up a bunch of “acts” and make Valentine a super-hero.  The real reason to establish St. Valentines’ day on Feb.14 was the same reason Dec. 25 was made-up as Christmas day.  It was an existing “pagan” worship day and if everyone was going to party, the church would have an excuse why the Christians could join the celebrating.  In the case of Valentine, the existing pagan feast was “Lupercalia”, the three day cleansing of the city which would produce fertility.  It was celebrated from Feb.13-15. During this time, many of the noble youths would run up and down the streets naked.  They would strike anyone they met with leather thongs.  Women would purposely stand in the way and hold out their hand to be struck because it was believed it would help them get pregnant.

Things are much simpler now.  We have Teleflora and “flashing”.

About bakoheat

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