I could have been. I should have been. I might have been. But I won’t be. Nah, it’s too late to fulfill my papal fantasies. I would have been a great pope; the first American pope. I certainly would have been a better Cardinal than Mahoney, Law, Brady, or Ratzinger himself. They were all conspirators in covering up child-rape and none should have their jobs. It’s good this current pope is stepping down, because not only has his background been a little shady, but now the Vatican bank is in the middle of a huge money-laundering scandal. My morals, as Pope, would not have allowed this game to go on. Every one of them would have had their red hats shoved up their butts.
You don’t think I could have been a pope? Most of the things I have attempted in my life have been successful. I’m sure if I would have become a priest I would have moved up the ladder. The only problem was the powers that be kicked me out of two seminaries before I could get through the first year. Yeah, I was a little radical, to say the least.
Pope’s used to use their given names until a pope was selected in the sixth century that had the given name of a pagan god. I doubt if a Pope Mercury or Mercurius would have went over so well. I can see Pope Thor following that act.
After the sixth century some popes still kept their given name. Then in 1555, a new pope loved his given name and kept it. He had the coolest name of all the popes…Pope Marcellus II. (wonder if he sang blues?)
Then the popes went rad; they started choosing double names for the first time in 1978…Pope John Paul 1 was picked and that honored his two predecessors. John Paul died quickly so the new guy copied the menu and did John Paul II.
So Pope Benedict the XVI chose the name because he wanted to emulate the last Pope Benedict (XV). Little did he know that the closest thing he would emulate is that XV only lasted 7 ½ years which is almost what XVI is completing.
The other very cool Pope name was John XXIII. You see there had already been a John XXIII but he was considered the anti-pope. There were three popes at one time. In 1414 they talked John XXIII into resigning and then talked Pope Innocent VII into resigning and then they excommunicated Pope Benedict XIII. The followers of Benedict XIII immediately elected another pope, Pope Benedict XIV. Meanwhile back in Rome, they were electing Pope Martin V so after a few months; Benedict XIII gave up and resigned. It was very confusing times.
So, if I had been elected pope, I would have chosen Pope Christ IV. Most popes say they choose the name of the person they most want to emulate. I would have to defer to the other gods that were called Christ before Jesus. There was the Egyptian god, Horus (some in other countries called him Osiris). And Horus, thousands of years before Jesus, had it going too. He was born of a virgin on Dec. 25; he was visited by wise men and he taught in the temple, the “house of my father.” He also had 12 disciples, did a bunch of miracles, including raising one guy from the dead and he walked on water (Jesus might have learned that trick from Horus’s e-book). Horus was killed and then resurrected form his tomb. He was also called the Lamb of God, the Savior, the Good Shepard and the Word. He was Christ I.
Over in Persia, about 3200 years ago, the god, Mithra was also called Christ. Can you believe it? He also was born to a virgin on Dec. 25, wrapped in swaddling clothes and laid in a manger tended by shepherds. Mithra had 12 dudes he hung out with and loved whipping up tons of miracles and then he was buried in a tomb. Mithra was called the way, the truth and the light; also called the Good Shepard, the Savior, and the Messiah. So he was Christ II. ( I don’t make this stuff up)
And then, there would have been me.
Why did I punch that kid on the playground?