Darwin rolls over again.


I know…It’s time for the tacky Darwin Awards of 2013. Usually a little “ethics bell” goes off in my brain when I post these every year. Usually. This year I almost agreed with the judges statement at the bottom of the post. Almost.

 Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a  41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing his head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car  keys.

Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

wile-e-coyote

Sixth  Place:
While at the  beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind  and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed,  burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands  and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue  workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth  Place:
Santiago Alvarado,  24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was  burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth  Place:
Sylvester  Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull  the trigger.

Third  Place:
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned  fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE  MENTION:

Paul Stiller, 47,  and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a  quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.  Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.

Dynamite out window

RUNNER  UP:

Kerry Bingham had  been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a  person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the  walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the  bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,  who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the  cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously  survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby  fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND  THE WINNER IS….

Zookeeper  Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant  22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and  prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of  him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves… ‘Shit happens’

IT  ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM  THE GENE POOL.

About bakoheat

Writer/Musician
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One Response to Darwin rolls over again.

  1. Catherine says:

    were they only to remove themselves from the gene pool before they procreate……

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