Don’t Steal My Cat


I’m not Doctor Seuss, nor Mother Goose, but my cat is better than your cat and that’s that.

I know cats own the internet and are making billions on You Tube and I’m totally against it. I don’t bother to watch stupid cats playing the piano, chasing their tail, fighting paper sacks, sleeping in weird positions, or making silly faces. I’m not a “cat person.” It just so happens I have a great cat, maybe the world’s best cat, but I’m not putting my cat on You Tube. I may write about this cat from time to time, because he’s such a great cat and everyone who sees my cat is extremely jealous of me and would probably steal my cat if I wasn’t cautious. I can’t help it if you didn’t get a great cat like me.

You’re probably wondering how my cat could be greater than your cat, or maybe I’m making all that up. No, I’ve seen cats all my life. You can have them. I’m not a cat person. However, if the best cat in the world stumbled into your life, you might keep the cat because he’s the greatest cat in the world. You don’t have to be a cat person to have the greatest cat in the world around.

In September of 2012, I didn’t have a cat and didn’t want one. I’m not a cat person. But the Labor Day weekend of ‘12 this cat appeared out of nowhere, like from dust. He appeared next door at my neighbors, but they already have two cats and they didn’t need a third one. My sweet neighbor leaned over our fence, holding this “magic from dust” cat, and asked me if I wanted a cat.

“Of course not,” I spouted, “But let me see what you got. That cat looks pretty great.”

I picked this fairly large animal up and it cuddled up next to my neck. I could see he was smart and already trying to win me over. Fat chance. I yelled for my wife to come outside and look at this cat who had appeared out of nowhere. Of course, he cuddled her neck and got lots of oohs and ahhs. I held the cat again and said something to it, like “Do you want something to eat?” That’s the first time I knew I had something special, maybe a cat that could make me millions. This cat could talk. He couldn’t meow, but he could talk. He can only say the two words, but they are as plain as day and he only says those two words when he means them. The words, plain as day, are “allllllll-right.”  He trills and rolls the “allllll” from high ‘D’ down to ‘G’ and ends with the word “right” on high “C.” A perfect G7 to C resolution for my musician friends. I couldn’t believe it. A talking cat! I knew I had something here.

My wife said we needed to look the cat over and see if it’s a male or female. She told me to hold the cat and let him hang down in front of me and she would check it out. She looked and then she felt the cat’s belly and made a horrible face. She said, “I think we have a pregnant female, and we are not having kittens, period. We’ll keep the cat over the holiday weekend and on Tuesday you go to the vet and see what’s happening.

I said we have to call this cat something, so let’s give it a name at least while we have the cat in the house. Thinking that cats seem to respond to “k-k-k” sounds, I suggested Kalie. Kalie the cat. My wife loved the name and I felt smart. I said to the cat, “Can we call you Kalie?”  Of course the cat said, “allll-right.” (G7 to C…perfectly) I then went out and spent about $60 getting some food, litter, litter box, scratch pole and a couple toys, cause I wanted to give the cat a chance to have something of its own and not scratch up our furniture.

I called the vet on Tuesday morning and they told me bring the cat in that afternoon. They asked the name of the animal and I proudly told them it was Kalie. Kalie the cat. I told the girl on the phone I might let the cat talk for her.

Of course, on Tuesday,  the office staff at the veterinary clinic went nuts over Kalie. I wasn’t a cat person but I knew I had found something special, nothing like those silly cats on You Tube. After watching the doctor weigh, look at teeth, look in ears, do something in the rear and smile at the cat I asked the big question. “Doc, my wife is scared we have a pregnant stray cat and we don’t want any kittens, so what should I do with the cat?”

She smiled and said, “Don’t worry you won’t have any, this is a neutered male cat about a year old, 14 pounds and very healthy. Looks like a fine animal.”
KC

I smiled back and said, “Yeah, I’m not a cat person but I’m keeping him.”

As I was paying the bill at the front counter, I needed to make an appointment for shots and the office gal said, “When can we see Kalie again?”

I said, “Kalie? His name is Kasey, must have been a misunderstanding.”

About bakoheat

Writer/Musician
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6 Responses to Don’t Steal My Cat

  1. Mary says:

    Sometimes there are just superior animals. You’ve read about mine. Love him, and hug him, and keep him safe.

  2. McGuire, Amy says:

    Loved it! Alllllll-right!

    Amy McGuire

    Visual and Performing Arts Administrator

    Panama-Buena Vista Union School District

    5901 Schirra Ct.

    Bakersfield, CA 93313

    cell: 661-858-9332

    fax: 661-836-9710

    amcguire@pbvusd.net

    This communication and any attachments may contain confidential and privileged information for the use of the designated recipient(s) named above. Any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please reply to the sender and destroy all copies of the original message.

  3. Joan Raymond says:

    Too funny. Glad you and, um, Kasey have become friends – even though you’re not a cat person.

  4. fiddlrts says:

    What is it about cats and gendering? I had some friends who consistently got it wrong – in both directions. He does sound like a cool cat, though. (For the record, while I tolerate well behaved dogs, I am definitely a cat person.)

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