Miley Cyrus and Me


I saw Miley Cyrus out at the east-side Walmart about a year ago. I followed her through a few aisles to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, but I wasn’t. It was damn sure Miley Cyrus. She made it easy to keep an eye on her cause the stuff my wife sent me to get was in the same aisle where she was lingering.

Miley Cyrus at MMVA Soundcheck.

Miley Cyrus at MMVA Soundcheck. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I admired her ingenuity to wear a cap and go to a store where nobody would expect to see her. God damn, she was pretty…prettier in person than TV. I was happy to see her browsing in the frozen foods cause I needed to pick up a Tombstone pizza. It gave me a reason to talk to her.

“Do you prefer pepperoni or sausage?”

She looked at me in a puzzled way, and said, “What the hell makes the difference, I’m not eatin’ it.”

“Sorry to upset you, Miley, but don’t worry I’m not going to make a fuss over you or let anyone know you’re here.”

“Are you fucking crazy? What are you trying to do?”

“Please, don’t be upset, I don’t think anyone else would recognize you. I’ve been a fan since you were Miley Stewart and Hannah. I have the deepest respect for you.”

“You know something?  You back off now, asshole, or I’m calling 911. You’re insane.”

“Maybe I’m wrong, jeez I’m sorry. You’re just so beautiful. I even thought to myself, she’s more beautiful in person than TV. Honest I did.”

“You think I’m beautiful?”

“You’re the most beautiful gal I’ve seen in my life…honest Injun.”

“Would you like to marry me?”

“God yes I would. It would be a dream come true. I’ve been dreaming about you for years.”

“Let’s take your car and go to Vegas. All you need is a driver’s license and we’re married. We could stay there and live if you like. I love the machines.”

“What about your career?”

“My career? For Christ’s sake, I’m a fucking cashier at CVS, I can do that in Vegas.”

“You really aren’t Miley?”

“You dumb puke. I’m Judy Hobson. I’ve lived in Bakersfield all my life. Are you going to Vegas with me or not?”

“Oh my God! There’s been a terrible misunderstanding. I’ve always dreamed I would one day be with Miley. I can’t marry you. Besides, I’m already married.”

“Would you buy me some beer so I don’t call the cops?”

“Okay.”

About bakoheat

Writer/Musician
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2 Responses to Miley Cyrus and Me

  1. petalumapete says:

    She’s really not that beautiful Danny Boy. Just that young. 🙂

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