I’ve completed the research. I’ve had help from various polls, the wonderful Borowitz report and numerous street rumors. So these critical truths are presented for your perusal.
1) In a history-making decision, Gov. Mike Pence of Indiana has signed into law a bill that officially recognizes stupidity as a religion.
3) There is a big fight in Congress about the “Obama Paid Leave” plan. The guys fighting get 33 Paid Weeks Leave every year.
4) It took a lot of research but finally I found an answer to something that’s been bothering me since the sandman used to visit my tiny bed in Indiana. That mucus, oil and skin cells that form those gunky eye boogers every morning have an actual medical name. It’s called “gound.” Yes, you may use that in a sentence today.
5) I used to travel to Hawaii (over 50 times) and some of my customers used to try and trick me into telling them the name of the Hawaii State Fish. I was ready for them. I told them I speak English and the fish is the Reef Triggerfish. I was right. They just wanted to hear me say, humuhumunukunukuapua’a. It’s easy anyway if you just pronounce every syllable. Break down the humu twice and the nuku twice and add the apua’a and you got it. The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters. A-E-I-O-U-H-K-L-M-N-P-W.
6) Your cat could care less about your cake and cookies. Cats do not have taste buds that can detect sweetness. Sugar has no taste to a cat.
7) Quickie Trivia Fact: The average lifespan of a major league baseball is 7 pitches.
8) Researchers allowed fruit flies to inhale alcohol. Immediately the male fruit flies lined up and started to mate with each other. I guess Dr. Ben Carson isn’t as stupid as I thought he was. Gay life is a choice, maybe a drunken one.
9) Because of one man’s marketing ideas in the ‘30s, we have been led to believe that a diamond is actually a valuable investment when we know the piece of crap is worth less than 50% the minute you buy it. As late as the 19th century men gave women a thimble (that’s right…a THIMBLE) as a sign of their engagement. Men! What the hell happened to us?