Time to tell the truth. Come clean. Clear the air. Actually if the title bar was longer I would have called it “50 Years of Lying, Scamming and Cheating.”
Yesterday I stepped up and wiped away my falsehoods, my dishonesty, my deception, and my prevarications for the past fifty years.
Now hold on George, I still like girls, so you’re barking up the wrong tree.
And it’s got nothing to do with taxes.
Yesterday, I showed up for the first time to serve on a jury.
I know, Tommy and Johnny just turned over in their graves. (Sorry Mr. Jefferson, sorry Mr. Adams)
When I got my summons a month or so ago, it was amazing how many people started telling me how to “get out” of doing my civic duty. They didn’t have to tell me how to get-out, I’ve been an expert for fifty years.
My most elaborate scheme (which wouldn’t work in our tech-savvy world now) was in 1989. Living in Newport Beach, I was a straight commission music instrument representative traveling throughout California, Hawaii and Nevada. Serving on a jury meant ‘No Pay.’ The judges of Orange County didn’t care. “It’s your Civic Duty,” they said. On the Saturday before I was to report for jury duty I was telling my golf partner my dilemma and wouldn’t you know, he happened to own the most prestigious Hearing Clinic in Newport Beach. He did the hearing aids for John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Joey Bishop and Buddy Ebsen. He invited me over to his clinic when we finished our golf round. He gave me an extensive test checking my low, mids and high range hearing. He said I had above normal range of hearing and that was abnormal for a guy who had a few decades of playing rock and roll.
He disappeared into his office and started hunting and pecking away on his IBM Selectric (come on, this was the ‘80s) and he handed me a beautifully written note on his stationary stating that I basically couldn’t hear a damn thing being said in a court room. It worked. Dismissed!
My last summons was six months ago and I had a vacation planned so I postponed it for six months. I promised myself I was going to do my civic duty. I did. I’m serving.
We were treated like celebrities. I was given a free ball point pen, a free book mark and some tasty cookies. Yes!
Also this huge packed jury pool room was loaded with celebrities. I saw everybody that was somebody. At least they certainly looked like who I thought they were. Justin Timberlake, pork pie hat and all, was sitting a few seats down from me. Shirley MacLaine (the way she looked in Titanic) was sitting right next to Robert Mitchum. Very Cool! I about died when I saw Broderick Crawford, just the way he looked as Chief Dan Matthews in “Highway Patrol.” (1955-1959). One of the first guys called was Steve Martin (I was surprised he was covered in tattoos)